*Drum Rolls*

As you may remember, I went to the HKU last Monday to have my work judged by a couple of artists. Some stuff went wrong, but I could still leave my work. Of course, a day like this makes you very nervous. I had a bad feeling about this day. I felt my work wasn't as good as the other attendants.

The internet can be useful for many things, it's where I found out some of the other attendants heard that they were accepted. They got a mail on Tuesday with the good news. I didn't get any news on Tuesday. I was so nervous! Then yesterday, I still haven't gotten a mail or phone call. And I couldn't stand it anymore. I just had to know what I was up for. So I called the numbers provided in a mail I got a while ago. I had to call this one phone number, but no one picked up the phone. Eventually I hung up. After a while, I decided to call the other number. I was not supposed to call that number, except on Fridays. It wasn't Friday. But I was desperate enough. So I called anyway. I got someone on the phone! Yay! They then redirected me to the number I called first. Pfff. Apparently only one person was around, all the rest of them was sick at home. The woman on the phone was nice, tried to help. But when I mentioned my name, she didn't see any results. My name was on the list she had, but nothing else. She seemed rather surprised. So everyone else did have some kind of result besides their names? Then why didn't I? She promised to make a note of my call. Someone would mail or call me back tomorrow (today).

Today I woke up. I was still feeling sick. Oh did I leave that bit out? Yeah I have been sick for quite some time now. Not sure what's wrong with me. I figured it was because I was so darn nervous but I'm still sick now that I'm writing this. I'm no longer nervous. But I'm still sick. Anyway! I walked to the living room, took my medication which I do every morning. And then I turned on my PC. Opened up my mail program. Yes, there it was. Mail from HKU.

***Drum rolls***

The committee has decided that your visual creative work is insufficient and therefore you're not accepted onto the Faculty of Fine Arts and Design.

I had a hard time translating it properly into English. It basically does not say I don't have any talent. But it also doesn't say that I do have talent. It's all so stupid when you think about it. I want to go to the HKU to learn more in their preparatory program. I have to learn it somewhere! But my work isn't good enough to be accepted into their program.

I'm not sure if I'm angry or sad right now. Or even happy. Think of aaaaaaall the time I have now</sarcasm> But seriously though, I don't know what ot think or how I should feel. I know I'm not the first to not get accepted. But considering my age, there's not much else I can do. And when I was growing up I didn't think of my future self as a stay at home mom trying to make it as a freelancer. I was certain I would have a degree in something.

The worst part is that I didn't get any feedback. And they don't give any feedback, not even if I would ask them. But if they won't give me feedback, how am I supposed to improve myself? Right, I can't.

Right now I feel like crap. I am entitled to do so, so leave me alone if you plan on telling me it's not the worst thing that could happen to me. Wrong person to tell what's bad in life. Also don't bother to tell me I have talent. HKU certainly doesn't think I have any.

I'm also pretty much convinced I don't have talent. Or barely. My 'talent' doesn't matter. It's not enough for the HKU. And if it's not enough on the HKU, it is also probably not enough on all the other art schools. I don't plan on going back next year to see if they changed their mind. Nor am I going to try and get enrolled at other art schools. It's way too expensive, all those fees.

This whole experience hasn't made me a wiser person. And don't worry, I won't stop drawing and painting, or designing for that matter. But right now I don't think much of my skills.

One final thing I don't get. Everyone else got their results on Tuesday, some of them on Wednesday (maybe they didn't check their mail on Tuesday). Either way. I had to call for mine. Are the people at the HKU such sadists that they let the people who didn't make it wait until some time later. Oh they don't matter all that much anyway? Yes, I'm angry.